Hey y'all... Last night wasn't a good one for me. I think I mentioned in my first blog that I knew this wasn't going to be a cure all and I would still have my moments.... and boy did I...
It was getting late and I decided not to do the Diamond Dozen or anything and just relax. I laid down to go to bed and was doing well and then WHAM a sudden feeling in my neck and I knew it was starting. It's like it crawled up my neck into my head (creepy right?). I turned and just wanted to ignore it, but soon I was up out of bed and running for a water bottle. I don't know what it is about water, but it's calming. If I had a pool I think I would jump in it during these times. I found we only had one left, so I didn't want to take it. I went back to my room and knew I needed to calm down real quick. I decided to do the Cat Lift and Stretch, but it didn't help much.
I was really hungry, so I tried to eat something, but it just made me panic more. I wasn't going to drink water so I opened the fridge and grabbed the rice milk. I drank too much way too fast (the last time I did this I drank 4 bottles of water and felt queasy after). I was still hungry though and I was shaking now and I just felt weird. I woke my mom up.
Now, my mom only knows I've started being like this since Saturday (I tearfully told her then what had been going on for months), but I just wanted someone up in case it was something more serious and I fainted or passed out (which I've never done in my life). I was so hungry, so she grabbed me crackers, but I spit the first one out. It was too hard to eat and just tasted nasty to me. I grabbed a pudding (I know a bad choice, but I thought it would be easy to go down) I get some of that down, but I just feel so weird and queasy and lightheaded and I'm still shaking like a hairless cat in winter. Does all this sound ridiculous and hectic? That's what it feels like. Oh and this is TMI, but if I'm sharing I'll just go ahead and tell you I'm going to the bathroom constantly. So annoying... Just adds to the ridiculousness in my opinion.
I decide to go for the bottle of water anyway and I start to feel a little better after that. At this point we are in my room and I'm sitting on my bed feeling suddenly very tired. It's so hard to keep my eyes open, but at the same time I'm terrified to go to sleep. My mom and I sit there and crack jokes of all things and laugh a little until I feel okay enough to try and turn the light off (during these attacks I'm adamant that a light has to be on in the room I'm in) and lay down. It doesn't last long, but we turn a light on in the hall and that seems to calm me down. I know my mom is tired so I tell her it's fine and she can go back to bed. I do get back up again to use the bathroom, but finally I drift off.
And you know what? I woke up this morning... That's all I ever want. I just want to wake up.
What I think my triggers were:
1. I didn't eat when I was hungry (Big no no and not going to happen again!)
2. I was going to write this paper to try for a Fulbright thing (long story) but I think it's too close to what I was doing in school when these attacks started. I'm going to email the person I was working with and gracefully (?) bow out... : (
3. I didn't do any yoga or anything (I want to be active everyday even just a little)
4. Any physical symptoms I randomly had
5. Going to sleep
6. Unknown.
So The unknown factor is what is tying everything together and I need to figure out what that is. I know I need to go get a physical and talk to someone about what is going on so we can get this figured out, but just to make everything more fun!: I also have a fear now of going to the doctor... I have a goal though to lose 30 lbs and I will go. I think I will feel confident enough then. It may be backward, but it's all I can say now.
Maybe I shouldn't share all this, but I read this quote once that said something like sharing your sorrows will cut them in half and sharing happiness will make it double. So if I'm going to do this, I think I should share everything even if just to cut me some slack. But I'll share the good stuff too. That I promise. In fact the moment my package arrives with my DVDs (I hope they shipped!) I will share it and post a vid with me doing my first one!!!!!
Here's to having better moments in life!
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