Trying the Diamond Dozen

I'm hoping the DVDs will be here Monday, but until then I'm still doing the Diamond Dozen. I wanted to get a video up showing some of it. The angles are a bit weird (had to cut a lot out, but the video was getting long anyway), but that is me and that's some of the poses I learned in the Diamond Dozen. You'll have to bear with me as this whole thing is a learning process, the blogging/vlogging as well as the yoga. Here's the video:

I think I've hit a little road block and it's still the beginning. I took it easy the day after my latest panic attack and I've let go on the food thing, but now I'm a little afraid to feel hungry so I'm reaching for too many carbs and junk and overeating the past day or so. It can be hard changing, but I'm hoping that if I can just work on creating the good habits, they will become routine and I will start seeing the results I want.

As I mention in the video, I want to talk a little about food and my issue/concerns and thoughts about what I've read on the site vs. my current intake. So stay tuned for that!

About last night.....

Hey y'all... Last night wasn't a good one for me. I think I mentioned in my first blog that I knew this wasn't going to be a cure all and I would still have my moments.... and boy did I...

 It was getting late and I decided not to do the Diamond Dozen or anything and just relax. I laid down to go to bed and was doing well and then WHAM a sudden feeling in my neck and I knew it was starting. It's like it crawled up my neck into my head (creepy right?). I turned and just wanted to ignore it, but soon I was up out of bed and running for a water bottle. I don't know what it is about water, but it's calming. If I had a pool I think I would jump in it during these times. I found we only had one left, so I didn't want to take it. I went back to my room and knew I needed to calm down real quick. I decided to do the Cat Lift and Stretch, but it didn't help much.

I was really hungry, so I tried to eat something, but it just made me panic more. I wasn't going to drink water so I opened the fridge and grabbed the rice milk. I drank too much way too fast (the last time I did this I drank 4 bottles of water and felt queasy after). I was still hungry though and I was shaking now and I just felt weird. I woke my mom up.

Now, my mom only knows I've started being like this since Saturday (I tearfully told her then what had been going on for months), but I just wanted someone up in case it was something more serious and I fainted or passed out (which I've never done in my life). I was so hungry, so she grabbed me crackers, but I spit the first one out. It was too hard to eat and just tasted nasty to me. I grabbed a pudding (I know a bad choice, but I thought it would be easy to go down) I get some of that down, but I just feel so weird and queasy and lightheaded and I'm still shaking like a hairless cat in winter. Does all this sound ridiculous and hectic? That's what it feels like. Oh and this is TMI, but if I'm sharing I'll just go ahead and tell you I'm going to the bathroom constantly. So annoying... Just adds to the ridiculousness in my opinion.

I decide to go for the bottle of water anyway and I start to feel a little better after that. At this point we are in my room and I'm sitting on my bed feeling suddenly very tired. It's so hard to keep my eyes open, but at the same time I'm terrified to go to sleep. My mom and I sit there and crack jokes of all things and laugh a little until I feel okay enough to try and turn the light off (during these attacks I'm adamant that a light has to be on in the room I'm in) and lay down. It doesn't last long, but we turn a light on in the hall and that seems to calm me down. I know my mom is tired so I tell her it's fine and she can go back to bed. I do get back up again to use the bathroom, but finally I drift off.

And you know what? I woke up this morning... That's all I ever want. I just want to wake up.

What I think my triggers were:
1. I didn't eat when I was hungry (Big no no and not going to happen again!)
2. I was going to write this paper to try for a Fulbright thing (long story) but I think it's too close to what I was doing in school when these attacks started. I'm going to email the person I was working with and gracefully (?) bow out... : (
3. I didn't do any yoga or anything (I want to be active everyday even just a little)
4. Any physical symptoms I randomly had
5. Going to sleep
6. Unknown.

So The unknown factor is what is tying everything together and I need to figure out what that is. I know I need to go get a physical and talk to someone about what is going on so we can get this figured out, but just to make everything more fun!: I also have a fear now of going to the doctor... I have a goal though to lose 30 lbs and I will go. I think I will feel confident enough then. It may be backward, but it's all I can say now.

Maybe I shouldn't share all this, but I read this quote once that said something like sharing your sorrows will cut them in half and sharing happiness will make it double. So if I'm going to do this, I think I should share everything even if just to cut me some slack. But I'll share the good stuff too. That I promise. In fact the moment my package arrives with my DVDs (I hope they shipped!) I will share it and post a vid with me doing my first one!!!!!

Here's to having better moments in life!

Day 1

I decided to do a Day 1 video even though today wasn't really day one. To be honest, I feel like my Day 1 was a long time ago, but officially it was Sunday. The pictures I share in the video I took on Sunday and posted them here on my TeamDDPYoga page. (If you aren't a member you should think about joining as it has tons of people that are going through the same things you might be going through.) You don't have to have bought the DVDs or anything, it's just a great community that's available.
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In the video I also mention that I'm still waiting on my DVDs. I'm really trying to be patient, but I just am so gung-ho about getting really started with the workouts! I did do the live "yogacast" last night, which was pretty cool. I was so frustrated though! My laptop sucks (seriously never buying Dells again!) so it overheated and shut off on me! I then went scrambling around trying to get another system up and running. Ended on my little netbook finishing it out. I think DDP should definitely keep on doing them. Love his personality. Anyway, I'll probably do the Diamond Dozen again tonight or try to find something else to hold me over...

First video up!

Added a video on my YouTube channel today to just say hi and let you know I'm going to be going on this journey and a little to expect. I am going to be posting a video either later today or maybe tomorrow with my day 1 photos and maybe me doing a couple poses from the Diamond Dozen sense I'm still waiting on my package to arrive! Here we go!!!

A little about me and my new journey

Can I just say I feel good today? I do. I've had a horrible couple of months and these past two days back eating right and just doing the Diamond Dozen last night has me having a good day. That's always a good thing. 

I'm 24 years old and just graduated with my bachelors. I should be feeling great and starting a new life, but I had never felt worse. I'm not at my heaviest, but I'm certain I'm at my unhealthiest. My body has had it and had my mind start attacking me with panic attacks. Three-four weeks before graduating and I literally thought I was dying. I didn't know what to do, except what I've been taught since being little: call for help. By the time the ambulance got there I had calmed down and was just shaking. They said everything was fine, so I just stayed there. Went back to my room and it started all over again. I spent the next couple of hours pacing the building and outside trying to calm down and crying. It happened again a week later.

After graduating and getting home I experienced a week of hell. I'm naturally a night owl and I usually love it, but it got to be where I couldn't sleep even when I wanted to, because as soon as I laid down I started to panic and think my heart was about to go or something. I finally got my schedule back around and was sleeping at night and up during the day. Then four nights ago I was up till 3 am and not because I wanted to be. You would think I would be able to tell myself that I was having a panic attack and everything would be alright. The thing is, new physical symptoms happen after awhile, so even though I tell myself it's just an attack I've never felt like that before, so my mind tricks me again. The next day was a battle to keep calm, but that night I freaked out and finally told my mom I didn't feel good. She was trying to figure out what was wrong and I finally confessed what had been going on the past two months. It helped to get it out. 

The next day I started tracking my food to make sure I was eating what I needed to be eating. I don't believe in changing what I eat too much, but just how much and when. I'm also a vegetarian, but unfortunately there's still a lot of junk that I can eat. I've lost about 30 pounds before by tracking and exercising, but I didn't stick with it. I have a problem with motivation (even when I have the best reasons) and keeping going in the long run. I'm hoping doing this with everyone here, and the pictures, and this blog, and possibly videos will help keep me accountable.

Yesterday I decided I would try the diamond dozen and after seeing that it was for me and trying out the members site I decided to order the DVD pack. It's a lot of money for someone who just graduated and doesn't have a job, but I have to get healthy (in more than one way) to get out there and find out what I want to do. I have to get over the fear that has taken over.

I still had moments yesterday, but I never went into a full panic. I know I have a long way to go and I'm going to have more moments, but the more I wait the longer the road is going to get, so I'm glad I've started. It's not just about losing weight anymore, it's about staying alive and actually living.

Here's to you and me!

-Katarina